Although several elements that went into its final design were informed by personal ideals and preferences, our PNG avatar, which was created by the talented Kamii, is at its core intended to be an extension of myself. In this post, I would like to briefly summarize the thought process behind its creation.
The starting point was my wish to use grayscale images. Apart from enjoying the idea of a character who would fit well on a manga page, this direction also allows the avatar to give a more subdued impression. Having lived with depression for many years, it was important to me not to erase a defining part of who I am whenever I am streaming. For the same reason, the facial expression of the avatar aims to convey tiredness or even melancholy. While the eyes and mouth express kindness, the smile they show is deliberately gentle and reserved.
Additionally, the grayscale presentation also makes the colored elements of the avatar stand out. Since the eyes are vital to communicating the desired emotions, they are deep blue and similar to my real eyes. The Purpleberry clip, on the other hand, was a way of integrating what has essentially become the channel icon into the avatar without adding unrealistic or exaggerated components.
Overall, the avatar was designed to look like a middle-aged librarian with elements such as gray streaks, relatively simple and unstylish clothing, and a shirt that is slightly too large. The erudite and somewhat awkward librarian type is a character that has always greatly appealed to me — think Giles from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. In addition, as somebody who has spent a significant chunk of his life in academia, its trappings will perhaps always speak to me at some fundamental level. The avatar as a librarian is thus an idealized version of the life I could be living today under different circumstances. Furthermore, the look of a librarian also seemed to work well with the exhaustive way in which I tend to play videogames.
Lastly, the primary reason for using an avatar in the first place is my poor health, the many limitations I have been facing due to long Covid symptoms like constant brain fog, concentration and communication difficulties, and a worsening of my depression. Using an avatar instead of a webcam image eliminates the pressure that comes with constantly being recorded and enables me to focus on other aspects of the stream that are ultimately more important to me. Switching to this new format of streaming has already made me feel much more comfortable, safer, and confident that this is the right creative path for me to take.
